1.Sam, The Guy From Quincy
Who's the guy with all the tests？ he's
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
A white lab jacket, a hypodermic
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
He doesn't care if you're alive or dead
He'll perform an analysis of your head
Find out if you've bleached your hair
Try and fool him if you dare, he's
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
Oh yeah!
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Was that dead guy poisoned or stabbed, just ask
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
Was his scar caused by a fork, just ask
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
He knows all of the spectrographic analyser
Blood count, sperm count, hemoglobin level
He knows how many hairs are on your head
He knows when the coffee's ready, he's
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
Oh yeah!
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Where would television be without him？
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
There's nobody else who's earned our trust except for
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
Although he deserves, he never gets top-billed
Only gets the girl if she's been killed
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Poor sam's only along for the ride, he's
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
Oh yeah!
Sam, the guy from 'quincy'!
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
Bop-shoo-wop, bop-bop-shoo-wop
He's sam!
2.Kill The Dog Next Door
I once was a happy man
Of sound and stable mind
Then my neighbour got a dog
He put a ribbon on its head
To make it cute
But it still looked like
A chihuahua
He had me over
To watch it sit and beg
It bit my knee
And made love to my leg
Now it barks all the night
And all of the day
Whenever it's not peeing on my lawn
I didn't get to sleep last night
Till very late
The stupid dog barked
And grred
I woke up late
And ran to catch the bus
But i slipped on a turd
I was certain
It wasn't one of mine
With that that dog
Had crossed over the line
I wanted to exterminate
It and all its kind
From my lovely little suburb
I'm gonna kill the dog next door
Ain't gonna bark anymore
'cause this is judgment day
The little runt has got to pay
No more turds on my lawn
That stupid mutt will soon be gone
I'm gonna kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill that dog
I see the little monster
In my garden
So i grab an axe and off i go
And i try my best to get it
All i do is sever my big toe
My neighbour comes
Outside to calm me
He says his dog and me
Should just be friends
He puts his little pet
In my forgiving hands
Then it starts to bite
So i strangle it with all my might
Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh
I'm gonna kill the dog next door
Ain't gonna bark anymore
'cause this is judgment day
The little runt has got to pay
No more turds on my lawn
That stupid mutt will soon be gone
I'm gonna kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill that dog
Now the little mutt's
In doggie heaven
I strangled it to death
And now i'm free
But my trouble ain't
Quite over
My neighbour called
The cops on me
I end up at
The police station
Where i am told
That i must pay
A three hundred
Dollar fine
(＊long pause＊)
Wow!!
What a great value!
I think i'll kill my neighbour too!
Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh!
I'm gonna kill the guy next door
Won't call the cops anymore
I never liked him anyway
Three hundred isn't much to pay!
There are turds on my lawn
They must be his, his dog is gone
I'm gonna kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill that guy
3.Lonely Lab Of Broken Hearts
I met you in biology in high school
You told me after college we'd be wed
You were my favorite lab partner
Till you ran off with that brilliant young pre-med
My pain would show up on a cat-scan
My optic nerves are only seeing blue
My blood hates to flow
Because it has to go
Through the four-chambered heart that cries for you
I'm in the lonely lab of broken hearts
I dissect the way you say goodbye until it falls apart
I'm in the lonely lab of feelin' blue
And my pheremones can find no trace of you
You were as sweet as crystalline carbohydrates
The rods and cones in my optical receptors are filled with tears
I wanted to elope
So we could make some isotopes
With a half-life of a million thousand years
If i suspended my trachial dilations till you returned here
My muscles would need atp anarobic respiration
Adenine, cidozine, guanine, and thianine
Might make up my dna
But my love gene must be missin' from its station
I'm in the lonely lab of broken hearts
I dissect the way you say goodbye until it falls apart
I'm in the lonely lab of feelin' blue
And my pheremones can find no trace of you
The metallurgist is the musicians best friend. this statement
Has been echoed throughout the ages, for without the
metallurgist, we
Could not have such musical things as triangles, cymbals,
margerine
Tubs, or guitar strings. guitar strings are produced by the
Wire-drawing process, where solid metal is pulled through dies
with
Progressively smaller diameters, until the desired diameter, or
guage,
Is reached. the ability to be drawn into wires is called
ductility,
And seperates metals from other materials, such as wood,
ceramics, or
Plastic milk jugs, which are made by the blow-molding process.
you
Put the milk in later.
I'm in the lonely lab of broken hearts
I dissect the way you say goodbye until it falls apart
I'm in the lonely lab of feelin' blue
And my pheremones can find no trace of you
I'm in the lonely lab of broken hearts
I dissect the way you say goodbye until it falls apart
I'm in the lonely lab of feelin' blue
And my pheremones can find no trace of you
And my pheremones can find no trace of you
U stands for uranium. there are several isotopes of uranium,
Three of which are radioactive.
4.Sex, Drugs, And Rrsp's
As a little boy i dreamed of playing rock and roll
Playing in stadiums with every ticket sold
Seven figure income from a six string guitar
Dating gorgeous women and drivin' custom cars
Then it happened when my record went gold
Now i'm thinking what'll i do when i get old？
Can't live forever as the king of rock
That's why i'm investing in some blue chip stock
I got sex, drugs, and rrsps
I'm a rock and roller with financial security
Sex, drugs and rrsps
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity.
I'm a modern rebel with a cause
I like finding loopholes in the new tax laws
My fans are reading 'bout me in the rolling stone
While i'm talking to my broker on the telephone.
On stage i run around like some animal
But all my money's in a compound annual
This life is dangerous but i don't care
'cause i got insurance on my guitar and my hair!
I got sex, drugs, and rrsps
I'm a rock and roller with financial security
Sex, drugs and rrsps
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity.
We used to be such a happy band..
Phil and nick and bob and stan
But phil choked on his vomit
And then nick choked on his vomit
And then stan choked on his vomit
And then so did bob.
What a bunch of idiots!
Their deaths sure meant an awful lot to me
'cause now i'm getting all their royalties
They would have spent them on women and booze
But me i got commodities that just can't lose!
I got sex, drugs, and rrsps
I'm a rock and roller with financial security
Sex, drugs and rrsps
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity.
I got sex, drugs, and rrsps
I'm a rock and roller with financial security
Sex, drugs and rrsps
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity.
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity.
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity!!!
Hey guys, i brought beer!
History is made by stupid people
Scott became famous for freezing to death in antarctica
Columbus made history thinking some island was india
General custer's a national hero for not knowing when to run
All of these men are famous
And they're also very dumb
History is made by stupid people
Clever people wouldn't even try
If you want a place in the history books
Then do something dumb before you die
Nobility are famous for no reason
Mary antoinette enjoyed her cake
She caused a revolution when she would not share
And her husband lost his head for that mistake
The hindenburg was a giant zepplin
Its makers made a minor oversight
Before they filled it up with explosive gas
They should have fixed the no-smoking light
'cause...
History is made by stupid people
Clever people wouldn't even try
If you want a place in the history books
Then do something dumb before you die
Tally-ho! tally-ho!
Our king and country's honour we will save!
Tally-ho! tally-ho!
We're marching into history and the grave!
So if your son and daughter seem too lazy
Sitting there watching bad tv
Just remember you should be quite grateful
At least they are not making history
'cause...
History is made by stupid people
Clever people wouldn't even try
If you want a place in the history books
Then do something dumb before you die
Yes...
Do something dumb before you die
Yes...
Do something dumb before you die
5.My Voice Is Changing
Last night when i went to bed
With tangled hair upon my head
In every way i really was a kid
It happened without warning
When i woke up in the morning
I can't tell you just what happened but it did
I grew six inches in one day
It's painful when it goes that way
And now my skinny body's really achin'
And my skin just exploded
With an inch of oil it's loaded
It's so greasy you could fry a pound of bacon
My voice is changing
Out of thin air
And body parts that once were smooth
Are growing bits of hair
My voice is changing
What does it mean？
I guess i'll be a real man
Before i turn 13
I buy two pairs of jeans a week
I'm such a tall and awkward geek
I fall down when i try to play a grounder
At dinner every night i eat
A giant heaping plate of meat
Then go out with my friends for quarter pounders
And weird emotions come alive
My hormones are in overdrive
I've turned into a girl-watching creature
And all my friends their marks are shot
But they don't care because they're hot
For mrs. smith the mathematics teacher
My voice is changing
I hate to hear it crack
I pray to god i won't inherit
Dad's hairy back
My voice is changing
When will it end？
And when will mom stop kissing me
In front of all my friends？
Pretty soon i bet i'll
Be right into heavy metal
But my parents say at least it isn't rap
I'll start wearing stupid clothes
And threaten that i'll pierce my nose
And tell my parents all they like is crap
The first girl that i ever kiss
Will be the one and who could miss
Our love forever written in the stars？
But i don't think our love will last
Unless the four years go by fast
Till i can use the backseat of the car
My voice is changing
Out of thin air
And body parts that once were smooth
Are growing bits of hair
My voice is changing
What does it mean？
I guess i'll be a real man
Before i turn 13
My voice is changing
I hate to hear it crack
I pray to god i won't inherit
Dad's hairy back
My voice is changing
When will it end？
And when will mom stop kissing me
In front of all my friends？
Cha-cha-cha!
6.Proud T O Be A Banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
'cause i get to play with other people's money
I'm having a lousy day
I burned my toast and spilled my coffee
On my best shirt. so i had to change and then
I'm late for work. so i rush into the meeting
Where they are discussing what my future in the corporation is
And i don't really give a damn
But i don't have another job
And so i lie and say
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
'cause i get to talk to stimulating people
I open up my mail
Hoping that it's not a bill but it's from the bank
Saying that i have only 20 hours to go
To contribute to my rrsp for this tax year
So i run down to the bank but there's a 20-mile lineup
And i'm yelling and i'm screaming
And i'm not wearing any pants ah ah ah ah ahhhhh
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
'cause i get to screw with other people's lives
I took out 40 bucks
From the automatic teller. it told me
That i couldn't 'cause i just had 10
But that can't be 'cause i just got paid on friday
So i go down to the bank, wait an hour in the lineup
And i'm talking to the teller
She says 'wait i'll get your last month's statement'
She comes back in 7 hours
Says i've got some interest charges and a cheque from uncle bill
That bounced and so they'll have to charge me 40 bucks for that
And for the box i never opened and i don't have overdraft
protection
And i think i'll die before i pay off all that i owe and i don't
even
Own a car
I'm pleased to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm pleased to be a banker
'cause i get to play with other people's money
(he's a banker)
Would you please endorse this cheque？
(he's a banker)
Do you have any assets？
(he's a banker)
You should buy you shouldn't rent
(he's a banker)
The cheque will cost you fifty cents
(it will cost you fifty cents)
(he's a banker and he says
That it will cost you fifty cents
He's a banker and he says
That it will cost you fifty cents)
(it will cost you fifty cents)
7.Horizon
From the deepest, darkest depths of...whitby!
Comes this sordid tale of speed...
Murderous mayhem..
Cataclysmic combustion...
Picturesque powered pistons...
Accellerating automotive alarms...
Stunningly stupifying stereo stunts!
One man... a dream... a car... a 1984... plymouth... horizon...
I loved the car from tail to grill
I wouldn't change a thing
I wouldn't trade the ashtray
For the queen's engagement ring
But things they started going wrong
And went from bad to worse
The clutch went kinda funny
Then i couldn't use reverse
Still i loved my baby
And would not admit defeat
Just because it left a trail
Of rust along the street
It kept on running bravely
On duct tape and a prayer
Plus a monthly tribute to
The guy who did repairs
It all seems so unfair (the man was glad the day he bought)
Horizon!
Horizon!
Till one day on the parking lot
They called 401
My car became the meat between
A buick-honda bun
I saw some parts go flying
That you really need to drive
My car had become roadkill
Though it never was alive
Left a muffler in the passing lane
A hubcap in the slow
The windshield on the median
A headlight in the snow
And as i skidded off the road
The other drivers laughed
My middle-finger greeting
Would be my epitaph
Death would come at last (here lies the man who dared to buy)
Horizon!
Now i look at my bent fender
The twisted wheel rim
I wonder if horizon
Will ever drive again
But i know that this was not the end
Road warriors die hard
And i signed this mr. iacoca's
Organ donor card
The steel will get recycled
And they'll build another car
Bigger, faster, stronger
An automotive star
My quest will then begin
And revenge will soon be mine
As i drive my gleaming three-door
Orange chrysler frankenstein
Searching for that buick
To try to end its days
We'll settle off the score
And then we'll drive away (the sun will rise again on the)
Horizon!
My horizon!
My horizon!
8.The Happy Happy Birthday Song
Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song
Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough
So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer
Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters？
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone
If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like walt disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might
Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take？
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including ralph, bill, ralph
kramden,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that
leads into
'dangerous')
9.Dangerous
Darling for you
I think of what i'd so
To keep you safe and sound
I would climb the highest mountain
I would swim the widest sea
I would wrestle a gorilla to the ground
I would fend off a dozen charging rhinos
I would catch a storm of killer bees
I would fight a firey dragon with a wooden sword
If i didn't know what this could do to me
'cause it's too dangerous (too dangerous)
I'd really like to do it
But i might get hurt
It's dangerous (too dangerous)
I don't feel like bleeding
On my brand new shirt
You might say i'm cowardly
Or say i'll full of fright
You might call me yellow
And baby you'd be right!
So i'd skip across volcanoes full of lava
I'd even grab a tiger by the tail
I would make fun of
A boxing champion's mother
But my courage and my bowels both would fail
I would fight off a bunch
Of angry kosacks
I would stop a thousand
Bullets with my hand
I would laugh
As my leg was amputated..
But baby, i'm not that kind of man!
'cause it's too dangerous (too dangerous)
I use big words
But i never do the deed
It's dangerous (too dangerous)
I faint like a baby
If i see somebody bleed
I haven't got a backbone
I'm as timid as a mouse
I would find a cure for this
But i can't leave the house!
Cause it's dangerous
Too dangerous
Too dangerous
For meeee! (＊this note is held for 25 seconds＊)
For meee! (＊this note is held for 10 seconds＊)
For me. (＊this note is held for 2 seconds. then trevor probably
passes out＊)
10.The Mountie Song
When i was a kid i wanted to grow up and be cop in a province
town or county
I thought it would be great if someday i could only ever be a
mountie
I wanted to beat up crooks and make arrests because that's part
of the profession
But now i sit on my horse and tell american tourists the
parliament's in session
I really don't look good in red and my stupid hat flies off my
head in every parade
I'm young and strong and have no fear but now i'm spending my
career in motorcades
I wanna enforce the law, i wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for diplomats' home videos
I good at working real hard, i should have joined the coast
guard
Oh no, the rcmp
Is not the life for me
I used to think that a mountie had to be honest, loyal, humble,
strong and thrifty
But even though we don't break ranks, we get no thanks, they
took us off the fifty (dollar bill)
On sussex drive in hallowed halls we act like guards in shopping
malls, it's such a pain
Like someone's plotting the assassination of the minister if
sports and recreation, oh that's insane
Sometimes i just want to puke on sergeant preston of the yukon,
dudley do-right's such a jerk (damn you, snidely)
And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn't catch
a golfing cart, some days i hate to go to work
I wanna enforce the law, i wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for diplomats' home videos
I good at working real hard, i should have joined the coast
guard
Oh no, the rcmp
Is not the life for me
I wanna enforce the law, i wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for diplomats' home videos
I good at working real hard, i should have joined the coast
guard
Oh no, the rcmp
Is not the life for me
Oh, no, it's not the life for me
Oh, no, it's not the life for me, m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me,
m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me, m-m-me,
m-m-me, m-m-me
11.Dog Food Woman
Watchin' television one afternoon
Lookin' for a movie or a good cartoon
Stopped by a station's commercial break
When suddenly i'm faced with a heartache
The woman of my dreams is plain in view
Sellin' me a can of liver stew
I said dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
You steal my heart, and you take my soul
Every time i see you fill fido's bowl
Now i watch tv 20 hours a day
Just to watch your commercials play
If someday your love was in reach
I'd be all yours honey, you could put me on a leash
You love that dog, could you love a man？
I make my own gravy when you show that can
I said dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
You steal my heart, and you take my soul
Every time i see you fill fido's bowl
I figure the only way she'll notice me
Is if i buy what she's sellin' on tv
So i stop at the local shopping mall
Head to the pet store and buy it all
Go to the bank and empty my savings
So i can buy more of what spot is craving
Spent all my money by accident
Can't buy groceries or pay the rent
Got evicted now i live on the street
Crunchy kibble's all i got to eat
My breath is real bad, my tongue's turning black
But i've got a nice shiny coat of hair on my back
I said dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
You steal my heart, and you take my soul
Every time i see you fill fido's bowl
(dogs barking and howling)
Yeah, take it for a walk!
I said dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
Dog food (dog food)
Dog food woman
You steal my heart, and you take my soul
Every time i see you fill fido's bowl
12.Mounted Animal Nature Trail
On the mounted animal nature trail, you'll be sure to see
All mother nature's favourite pets, all sitting rigidly
They're never hungry any more, their last meal left them stuffed
Don't worry, they won't walk away if you try and pet their fluff
And the dog goes...
And the cow goes...
And the bear goes...
And the pig goes...
And the crow goes caw!, i guess it was alive
You can see all this
On the mounted animal nature trail
The mounted animal nature trail, it's great for mom and dad
Where else can grandma and the kids see the silence of the
lambs？
Don't have to walk a hundred miles ore climb the steepest hill
And the only fearsome sound you'll hear is the ringing of the
till
And the dog goes...
And the cow goes...
And the bear goes...
And the pig goes...
And the crow goes caw!, i guess it was alive
You can see all this
On the mounted animal nature trail
The only things that bite are the bugs (oww..)
And unlike other theme parks, the mice won't say 'hello'
And if you're having troubles with your own family pet
You can bring him and add him to the trail
Everyone, and the dog goes...
And the cow goes...
And the bear goes...
And the pig goes...
And the crow goes caw!, i guess it was alive
You can see all this
On the mounted animal nature trail
13.A Real Letter From A Real Yahoo
And here's a letter from bill macy of gainesville, florida
It appears to me that gainsville sun is withholding information
from the public.
Recently, there was a four-column spread about a probable murder
from a gun.
Another item tells of a shooting death in key biscaine
A third item tells us of a soldier shooting his wife and
children.
I can count on such reports in about every issue of the sun.
We can be sure of many more incidents have occured of people
being protected from injury or death, because they had a gun.
These reports can be easily obtained from the national rifle
association.
I am sure they keep accurate records of such protection.
The failure to report these cases of protection is not fair.
I urge you to correct this.
I suggest a small box in every paper called 'protected by guns.'
Simply insert the number of such protections.
On those rare days when none are noted, simply put a zero in the
box.
Thanks, bill.
14.Let There Be Guns
One, two, three, four...
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
There'd be no more crime, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
We wouldn't need the police no more, 'cause everybody'd have a
gun!
(yeah!)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？ (had a gun)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？ (had a gun)
Nobody'd ever get shot, 'cause everybody'd have a gun! (makes
sense!)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We'd all feel safe, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？ (had a gun)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？ (had a gun)
Everyone'd be equal, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Not me, i got me a rifle!
Well hang on, if you got yourself a rifle then i wanna get me a
semi-automatic weapon!
You get a semi-automatic weapon and i'm gonna want an automatic
weapon!
You get yourself an automatic weapon, i'm gonna get a
super-automatic weapon!
Well if you get a super-automatic weapon, then i'm gonna get a
Super-duper-automatic weapon with a cd-rom drive!
If you get yourself one of those i'm gonna get a
Super-duper-automatic weapon with a cd-rom drive, and a big old
hard
Drive, and a big guitar amp so i can play btos...
(rants on while the rest of the worms sing)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had the weapon of their
choice？
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had the weapon of their
choice？
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun？
(still ranting..)
I'll go so fast i'll be able to chase you from here to saigon,
and
Then i'll shoot like little nerf rockets at you and poke you in
the
Eye 'cause it'll have automatic like finger-poking in the eye
Things and i'll get myself another guitar amp...
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